Cyberbullying tips

Essential tips for parents:

Teach your kids empathy. Nothing drives home a point faster than walking a mile in someone else's shoes. If your kids truly understand what someone else is going through, they're less likely to bully someone -- or passively witness others being bullied.

Help kids understand the line between funny and cruel. Kids' online communication is often purposely ambiguous or accidentally cruel -- both of which can lead to misunderstandings. If drama starts brewing, ask your kid to call or speak face to face with their friend to clear it up.

Make sure they talk to someone (even if it's not you). As kids enter the middle school years, their circle of friends and trusted adults widens. Kids need a responsible adult to confide in -- their school counselor, their music teacher, even the parent of a friend.Talk to your kid about who they can go to if trouble is brewing.

Help your kid be an upstander -- not a bystander. Kids are hesitant to get involved, in case the bully turns their sights on them. But there are ways to allow your kid to work behind the scenes to reach out to the victim, get an adult involved, and prevent more cruel behavior.


I found these tips on the Common Sense Media site. These are the ones I agree with. There were others I don’t agree with. Are online communications really a part of the fabric of our kids lives? How about making sure you know what your kids are doing online? As long as my kids are living under my roof, I have the right to know what they are doing. I cannot make their choices for them, but I can certainly implement consequences.

Veterans and Bully Victims

Children, kids, and teens aren’t the only ones who can struggle with self-esteem. Sometimes the bullies aren’t the ones in the classroom or on the playground. When our soldiers go out and fight a war, they are fighting bullies—or at least that’s how I see it. Our soldiers can come back as disabled veterans recovering from traumatic injuries, burns, wounds, and post-traumatic stress disorder.

I came across this article Beneath the Surface in the July 2011 edition of Texas Co-op Power about diver instructors who are trying to help these veterans. “Serious injuries can take an individual to a dark place. Thompson says: ‘But when soldiers see they can do something as challenging as diving, and do it as well as anybody else, it’s a real confidence booster. They figure, “If I can scuba dive, I can kayak, or golf, or whatever.” ‘ “ These veterans and the kids who are bullied need a confidence boost—something that will remind them they CAN do something they ARE valuable.

“ ‘Diving definitely helped me,’ says Gill, who wears a prosthetic leg in the water. ‘Physically, [while diving] I have my own independence. Mentally, it’s very calming. A lot of soldiers, like me, have PTSD and deal with a lot of stress. In the water, there is no stress.’ “

And it’s not just about us TELLING them they are valuable. This diving program for these veterans helps them see for themselves. Whether or not you believe that bullying is traumatic, whether or not you believe in whatever war our soldiers are fighting—the wounds they bear (both physical and mental) are very real to the victims and we need to have more activities that help them see their worth for themselves.

Highland Village, TX takes a stand against bullying

http://www.crosstimbersgazette.com/local-news/1632-taking-a-stand-against-bullying.html
I like that I’m seeing people, especially police, in my local communities taking notice and a stand against bullying. I don’t like that it has to come on the heels of a suicide and an attempted suicide. The new program they are launching includes emphasis on telling someone if you’re being bullied. Highland Village (TX) police officers visited schools this past Spring and will do so again in August and will be declaring an official “No Bullying” week in November.
While I like the police, LISD and elected officials getting involved in this initiative, my favorite part of the article came when the police chief had a few suggestions for parents: “such as helping children learn the social skills they need to make friends because a confident resourceful child who has friends is less likely to be a bully or to bully others. He also said if parents praise children’s kindness toward others, it lets kids know that kindness is valued. And, he added, it is also important the teach children ways to resolve arguments without violent words or actions.” The Highland Village city manager “added that monitoring your children’s social media websites is another way to catch a problem early on. ‘As parents, please understand that you must have instant access to your child or children’s “Cyber Forums” - Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, phone texts, etc. And it’s not just having access as a friend - it’s taking possession of the computer or phone and making sure you know what is being said and to whom they are communicating with on a daily, weekly or bi-weekly basis,” said Leavitt.

He added, “It’s a “tough love” choice, but we must make the personal decision to help our youth of today. It is our obligation as responsible parents and this far outweighs the “personal privacy” and expectations of our children and what is being portrayed today in our society.’”

Teasing part 1

I am cleaning off my desk this weekend. Several articles and various papers have collected and I’m sorting, tossing and dealing with them. I came across an article on teasing. Glynnis Whitwer in When Your Child Is Hurting says children can be more likely to be a victim of bullying if they are overly sensitive to good-natured teasing. Unfortunately, the article I read from a local preschool warned against teasing—adults shouldn’t tease because young children aren’t sophisticated and can’t handle it and parents should intervene if an older child begins to tease. We are to eliminate teasing from our behavior. As the article continued, it warned against over-protective parenting that rescues their child too soon.


So what is good-natured teasing? When is it age appropriate? How would you teach the difference between good-natured teasing and verbal bullying when different kids have different levels of sensitivity?

You're wearing that?!

"In 2007 ... a report linking early sexualization with three of the most common mental-health problems of girls and women: eating disorders, low self-esteem and depression." So when parents think they are buying these things to help their kids self-esteem, it's backfiring.

Parents don't dress your girls like tramps

But I don't want to be the bad guy

I read an article this morning in The Cross Timbers Gazette about a family who used Youth & Family Counseling. It starts off with “Although he lived in an intact family with both of his biological parents, the 13-year-old Denton County boy was facing truancy charges, experimenting with drugs, “huffing” paint, and associating with gang members.” My first thought is—how does an 8th grader skip school that much and get into this much trouble? The article goes on to explain “The boy and his 10-year-old brother had very little supervision because his parents worked long hours.” Ah, that explains a lot.

Now I realize parents have to work. I realize that sometimes both parents have to work. Let me finish telling you what the article said before I explain where I’m going.

“The parents opened a dialog regarding working as partners and agreed that not intervening in their son’s behavior put both his and his younger brother’s future, and possibly lives at risk. They were educated on realistic and age-appropriate expectations and how to implement consequences, and then they somewhat reluctantly instituted new family rules. When their joint efforts met with success in solving their son’s truancy problem, they gained a great deal of confidence in themselves as parents. They defined additional expectations and reported that they had new confidence in their parenting abilities that they home was much happier with less conflict and they no longer feared for their children’s future.”

Notice the parents worked together as partners. This is a key. When marriage partners are a team, the family is more stable and the kids feel more secure. Next, “they were educated on realistic and age-appropriate expectations.” That sure makes me wonder what these parents were expecting of their sons. Remember, your kids aren’t adults and they are not the same as you were when you were a kid. Then they had to be educated on “how to implement consequences, and then they somewhat reluctantly instituted new family rules.” Something that always bugged me when I was teaching were the parents who told me—I’m only with my kids for a little while each day, I don’t want to be the bad guy. Well, consider this story as a lesson in what can happen if you refuse to be the bad guy and have some consequences and family rules.

Finally, did you see the results when everyone worked together, changed expectations, and implemented consequences and rules? Many of the problems were solved and they had a happier home with less conflict.

I’m not saying that we can fix all our families problems or we will never have trouble with our kids, but rules, consequences, and appropriate expectations are necessary folks.

What is the first sign of bullying

http://www.dentonlifestyles.com/category/departments/children-education/

The above link is to an article published in the Mar/Apr issue of Lifestyles of Denton County under the title “The Good, The Bad and The Bully.” But as I read through the list of “warning signs” I was disturbed and angry. Toward the bottom is “they refuse to talk about what is wrong.”

• Afraid to walk to and from school or change their usual walking route
• They don’t want to ride the bus or they beg you to take them to school
• They are afraid to go to school
• They pretend illness in the mornings or they begin truanting
• They start doing poorly in their school work
• They often bring home destroyed clothing or other belongings
• They come home famished (bully takes their food money or lunch)
• They act withdrawn, start stammering, lack confidence
• They become distressed and anxious and sometimes stop eating
• They attempt or threaten suicide
• They cry themselves to sleep or have nightmares
• Their personal belongings go missing
• They ask for money or start stealing (in order to pay the bully) or they
continually lose their pocket money
• They refuse to talk about what’s wrong
• They have unexplained cuts, abrasions, bruises
• They begin to bully other children, siblings or they become aggressive
and unreasonable
• They give improbable excuses for any of the behaviors listed above

Why do kids refuse to talk about what is wrong? Why are these warning signs so severe? Shouldn’t the first warning sign for us as parents be that our child tells us “someone is picking on me”? In An American Girl: Chrissa Stands Strong, the main character Chrissa says nothing about the bullying incidents that occur with her first few days at a new school. She doesn’t confide in a teacher, her parents, or even her brother. Why are our kids being programmed to think that have to keep it to themselves? Is it just the bullies that are warning our kids not to tell? Are “we” as parents not encouraging our kids to talk to us about ANYTHING and encouraging them to confide in us?

I for one explain to my girls the difference between tattle-tale and when you need to tell on someone. I try hard to keep the lines of communication open with my children—which can be exhausting because they can talk A LOT!

Don’t wait until you think something is wrong. If your child refuses to talk about anything, consider that a warning sign. Then, instead of badgering them, try asking yourself what you can do as a parent to be more open and encouraging. Ask yourself in what ways can you “set the scene” for open and honest communication with your child so that the other more severe warnings signs don’t have to come into play.

Mothering

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/parenting/the-opposite-of-a-tiger-mother-leaving-your-children-behind-2460982/

Two extremes: tiger mother versus giving up mother hood altogether. I’ll admit, I have not read this tiger mother book, but I think I’ve heard enough to decide it’s not my thing. However, there were a couple of things I noticed in the interview with Rahna Reiko Rizzuto. First, she “had this idea that motherhood was this really all-encompassing thing,” and she “was afraid of being swallowed up by that.” Yes, mothering, parenting, is a 24/7 job; but I don’t see any reason why one has to lose their identity in it. You have to change and adapt your expectations of parenthood and yourself when kids enter the picture, but there’s no reason why you can’t have a life to some extent.

Next, she said, “In my part-time motherhood, I get concentrated blocks of time when I can be that 1950s mother we idealize who was waiting in an apron with fresh cookies when we got off the school bus and wasn’t too busy for anything we needed until we went to bed.” If I recall, June Cleaver was a fictional character of a TV show illustrating a time period when the men worked and their wives were expected to keep house. Some women and mothers still think that June Cleaver is the ideal we need to live up to. Uh, excuse me? This is not the 1950s, it’s 2011 people.

Talyaa Liera was also interviewed, but it almost sounded like she felt she helped her children by moving 3000 miles away. She said, “that by being so nurturing, I was in some ways keeping my children from growing to their potential.” You couldn’t make some adjustments and teach your children to be more independent?

My first reaction to these moms is that they are being selfish, but I understand their wanting to be something more than “just a mom.” I don’t think a mother has to go to the extreme of leaving her family to accomplish that. Then I see these women as trying to live up to a certain standard—their idea of perfection that is in their head. No two people are exactly alike. No two mothers are exactly alike. We all have strengths and weaknesses, as do our husbands and kids. We need to work together (within the family) to figure out what motherhood, parenthood, and individualism looks like for each of us and realize that what works for me probably doesn’t look the same for you or her. We all need to stop striving for perfection and just find the truth.

"The Undervalued Self"

Kids aren’t the only ones who can suffer from low-esteem. What is an adult to do? It can be hard to find the right resources and bootstraps to pull ourselves out of that pit. So I was curious when I came across the article “The Undervalued Self” in Going Bonkers magazine, the self-help magazine with a sense of humor.

The article begins with a story of a young man throwing starfish back into the ocean. Even though he can’t save them all, he has made a difference to those he does save. The moral of the story, of course, is “You make a difference in this world, whether you are aware of it or not. It’s not important if you touch one life or thousands. It’s just important that you exist.” These are great encouraging words for someone who is down on themselves.

All right, so what if you want to change how you feel about yourself, your current situation. You think there might be a light at the end of the tunnel if you could just figure out which tunnel to take. “Yet, somehow, despite the plethora of self-help, goal setting, and how to books, you have yet to make the changes you so desire? The problem may not be in knowing what to do. Nor is it in understanding how to do it. The real issue may be in believing you are worth making the change; that you actually deserve to live a fulfilling and fruitful life.” If you are dealing with a bully type frequently, this can be a hard concept to wrap your head around. Even if you aren’t a Christian and believe God created you for a purpose, I think it still comes down to: while you’re here, you might as well find some way to enjoy it (yeah, I know, someone could really run away with that …).

It can seem easier to stay where you are, even if you feel miserable, because there is comfort in the known, the familiar. You ask yourself what if it doesn’t work? What if this is the wrong tunnel, the wrong change? At what point do I give up, turn around, try something else? And do you know what this article offered as its answer? “You become capable by being capable. You become flexible by being flexible. You become strong by being strong.” What?! I’ve been in the pit where you wonder if anybody really cares? Does it really matter that you exist? How on earth can you “be” capable, flexible, or strong if you have no idea what capable, flexible or strong is?

The article does redeem itself a little as it reminds to value yourself enough to be willing to change. Keep in mind all the little successes in your life, instead of beating yourself up over the failures and mistakes. Try looking at your life, your situation, your approach in a different way to find another solution.

All in all, you are worth it, regardless of your age. Believe you are worth enough to try something. It’s ok if it doesn’t work out. Try something else. Try something different. Don’t give up on yourself.

It’s perfect!

Why do people strive for perfection? Do we need to be in control? Are we trying to measure up to a certain standard? Are we trying to impress?

Do you know a perfectionist? Why are they striving for perfection? What are their motives?

Any thoughts? Any insights?

Compensation

In Dobson's Hide or Seek, he argues that one of the best tools we can give our kids to overcome obstacles in this life is to help them find their strengths and capitalize on them. For example, if your child has a strength or talent for music, help them develop that skill. The more confidence they have in their strength (talent or skill), then when someone tries to degrade them, they can remember the confidence they have in their skill. They have the strength to compensate for their weakness.

He goes on to say that the child doesn't have to be particularly gifted. But as parents we need to help them find something they enjoy and we can encourage them to develop that interest. This still gives them a way to compensate.

Unfortunately, this may mean pushing our kids. Any strength, talent, gift must be developed and practiced; and we don't always want to practice. Though my daughters love to dance, sometimes they don't want to have to buckle down and practice a particular choreography. I don't always want to write, but I must if I want to improve (Ok, so the voices in my head typically beg me to write, but we won't go there). But in order for this to work on any level, we have to know our child well enough to recognize their strength(s), encourage them, but not push them so hard that they burn out and resent you. It is a fine-line, but with God's help, we can do it.

Well-rounded

Like any mom, I love to brag about my girls, but today I am giving a shout out about my husband. He can build and debug a computer. He can play Barbies, puppets, and tea party. He can design and build a bed, a playset, and a shed. He can proofread my writing and improve it, no matter what the topic or type. He can cook the best French toast and grilled cheese sandwiches. He knows all about basketball, football, and hockey. He has a degree in psychology and a minor in Biblical studies. He is a leader at work and a spiritual leader at home. (I could go on and on …)

I consider him a well-rounded person. He can adapt and function in a variety of situations. As parents we need to begin early to equip our children to do the same. This isn't about making sure our child can read Charlotte's Web by age 2. This isn't about teaching our 3 year old to recite all the states and capitals or presidents of the United States. This is about exposing them to different things: foods, recreation, book genres, music, etc. It doesn't even have to be an organized event. You can teach them to throw, catch, and kick different kinds of balls in your own backyard. You can attend story times at the library and check out different kinds of books. Try stretching beyond your comfort zone and see what you can learn and how you can grow.

Building or blocks

Sometimes as adults we long for the carefree days of childhood. Sometimes parents can fall into the trap of reliving their childhood vicariously through their children by letting their kids run free without responsibility or boundaries. While it is important to enjoy our kids and encourage them to have fun, it is vital to the development of our children to learn boundaries and responsibility. It is important for our kids to learn chores. It teaches them responsibility and shows them they are important to the family. This builds up their self-esteem. Dr. James Dobson in Hide or Seek and Dr. Ross Campbell in How to Really Love Your Child agree. If you want a responsible adult with confidence and self-esteem who is prepared to face the world on their own by the time they are 18-21 years old, encourage them to think and gradually give them more responsibility when they are children.

Contentment

My older daughter's birthday is coming up. Nearly every time a commercial comes on I hear, "I want that" or "Mommy, can I have that". I usually tell her I'll put it on her wishlist (which I conveniently forget to do) or tell her she has to get rid of something to get something new. And this whole scenario is replayed at Christmas time (which starts right after Halloween, apparently) and seems to be even worse as every company wants to push some new product. Last year I remember my kids wanted the large animatronic dinosaur or pony. *rolling eyes*

I know I've been suckered into a couple infomercials myself. There was one for perfect pancakes and another for donuts. Though I did wait until they were available in stores--yeah, I know, it's not an excuse. They still got me. Commercials just seem to breed discontentment.

As a recovering packrat, I have stuff--lots of stuff. I used to hide the things I was going to get rid of and get them out of the house without my kids knowledge, because they would tell me they wanted it or have a meltdown because they loved it (even if it was never theirs).

So I'm trying to change my strategy. I'm telling and showing my kids what I am getting rid of and why. When commercials come on telling me something I "need to buy", I'm going to start telling them what I don't need and why. I want to be an example of contentment and a cheerful giver. I want my kids to know that we don't have to have everything we see on TV and that some people live with much less than we currently have.

It's hard in today's world to not listen and pay attention to what we hear on TV. But just imagine that if we can teach our kids not to listen to toy commercials, then maybe they will learn they don't have to listen to the other commercials and TV shows, too. You know the ones that tell our kids they have to dress a certain way, listen to certain music, wear a certain perfume/cologne in order to be considered cool and acceptable by the world. Imagine a kid who grows up confident in themselves, not swayed by media bias. Hmm, could that be too big a dream?